I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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