okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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