If that was your dad, he is hot
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
