I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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