Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
