our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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