She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
