I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
