Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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