Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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