i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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