Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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