Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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