I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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