You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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