Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
