Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I would ride that face into the sunset
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
