Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
