her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
