I'm sorry my penis didn't work
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
