I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We were destined to go to rehab together
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
