I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
