Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Randomize
