If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
