Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
