I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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