I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
