Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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