im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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