my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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