Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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