remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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