textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
