If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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