what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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