i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
