There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
