What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
