Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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