They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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