They should really pass out barf bags in church
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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