The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
