Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
from now on my penis is your penis
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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