We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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