EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
