Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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