I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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