Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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