it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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