the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
