I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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