Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
